The more I thought of adoption, the less I revelled in biology. This was where I was when I began the adoption journey. I did not pooh-pooh being a mother through a pregnancy, just could not glorify it like common culture does (the 'mere paas maa hai' part is still too much to palate....much as I love my mom!). The tough part starts where labour ends!
Then as you walk the adoption path, you see that biology is important. I will always believe that nurture is way more important than nature. But there are some gene-pool things that will not change just because I close my eyes. For example, the importance of bonding and breast feeding in the first few hours following birth. The intangible benefits that come from having a whole, willing adult take care of you when you can't. I can see now and speculate.....my daughter is more secure, less influenced to seek attention of all kinds, able to stand steadfast to her opinions and be less 'flying with the direction of the wind' than my son. Is this due to more biological bonding? I can't tell, can I ....unless I am in the position to compare how he would have done with this bonding, a path his life diverged from. Also, there is personality....mostly biological influenced heavily by upbringing?
Adoption has an effect on the child, regardless of how young the baby was when he/she came home to a 'forever' family. It is easier to see the tough effects...they lurk and come up in some unrelated context in the most unexpected ways. Adoption parenting is different, parental denial notwithstanding. Imagine a young plant that was denied some nutrition at a critical growth phase....it can bloom and flourish, that scar of deprivation at that point will still show. Not good but not horrible either, if you get my drift. Just a development that we try to understand, acknowledge and work with and around.
The nature-nurture debate will continue on. For today, it is close to 50-50 in our household...meaning we can't tell if we are doing a good job or it was done for us already! The pendulum has swung between 60-40 and 40-60 so far. Darn, can't take credit for the good and have to take responsibility for the not-so-great! Life and parenting show the way! :-D
The Spirit of the Marathon
13 years ago
1 comment:
Landed up here and read some of your older posts....this one touches a chord. Although we cannot really compare an adopted child with a breast fed n cared for birth child, there is definitely a pattern in the psychology of such kids . I wish there was some way to erase that scar and to calm the senses of the child whenever the identity crisis crops up. The kids whose parents separated at their tender age are also affected more or less the same way i guess.
I am looking for a behavioral therapy or a conditioning therapy for such circumstances as i am witnessing the same kinda identity crisis with teenage kids of two of my friends. Have you come across something like that? Though i know nothing works in absolute terms.
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