5 years and going strong

It is 5 years today since my son joined us through adoption. A valentine like no other. It is quite something to look back on where we were as people before him and all that he has brought into our lives. We now laugh and shout more easily....I didn't say it was all good, did I?! :-D


We worried about such different things then. How would the sibling relationship be? Would people differentiate? What could they say? Would he be hurt? How do we tell him about adoption? Would we be able to bond....yes, we think we can, but will we? And the whole boy thing. Never had a boy in our family growing up that we were close to or really saw growing up. Would he be okay with our food? Our habits? What would it be like to have two kids?

I think it was good to worry or atleast think about these things. If we had pushed things under the carpet, we might have created a different reality. And we are quite happy with the one we have today. He is a cheerful, really smart, fit and happy child. I am biased but can list an equally long list of his not-so-fun characteristics too.

The children get along great - which means they fight, thank god. I would have worried if they didn't. Their world is also only complete when they are both in the same space at the same time with very few separations. They compete like crazy for attention. The sibling relationship is strong. Even on those days that my daughter comes and tells me," I feel like kicking him out of my heart." He wormed his way in and what she does not realize is that it will be quite impossible to kick him out of anywhere....she needs to have kids to REALLY realize that! We know. We have tried and quiet time is not something he gets as a concept. Sorry, obviously not as smart as we initially thought, huh?! :-D

People might differentiate. I know some relatives did. And they have come around in the day-to-day sense. For people of their generation and thinking, this seems to be a tough concept. I can't understand that....but then, I did adopt. In our circles and our lives, in all the ways that matter (and don't), people have been only supportive. We are surrounded by nice people and they also probably figure out we wouldn't stand for it. There are some hurtful things one person has said and repeated as heard. This is par for the course, given the 'relative' tag. The exception does prove the rule.

No one has said anything to him or my daughter. So I will deal with that if it happens. Now, I have the confidence that I know how to deal with it. If I don't overreact, they will not.

We have told him about his adoption. My daughter was also told - she was only 22 months when he came home. He has asked questions, including why 'the woman in whose stomach he was born' did not take care of him. "She could have tooken care of me, no, Amma? Was she bad?" We have shown him his story in pictures. It is personal to him. I think he gets some parts of it. And he relates to adoption...."will the puppy be adopted? YAY!" "Is this XYZ (name of adoption agency)? YAY, my baby place!" We know other children who are adopted and he knows too through an association we belong to. And so far, it seems to have been internalized by him as part of his story. Not too special but not too ordinary either. The story of every kid - my daughter thinks of herself the same way. As does my neighbour's son. So far, so good.

The bonding thing was a bekaar ka worry. I guess, I just needed something to do until he came home. I am not the Bollywood maternal type...tears don't start running when I see my kids smile....maternal urge took a few months to kick in for me in the biological turn. The adoptive turn actually took me less time. Now I was a bit more seasoned and confident that holding a baby does not break it! Full bonding for me took as long as it took for him to get our 'home' smell. You know, when the skin smells like a combination of the soap you use, the lotion you put on, the food you give and all that? That smell took a couple of weeks to fully set in...you will be surprised that one bath does not do it! And the baby step bonding from the first toothless smile on Day Zero to that fierce 'try and rip this kid from my arms' maternity took the same two weeks.

The boy thing is a totally different matter altogether. And goes way beyond which way you wipe when diapering. Boys make noises that you can't match if you try. Which you wonder why you would want to try! Boys are also much more interested in your presence. You can be there and then be ignored but that coming over once in a while to push your buttons or check what you might be doing that can be disrupted does have to happen. Boys are way more simple in general. A few hugs, food, cars and time. A few kisses for all those bruises and falls. Sleep. And they are great to go. No complicated mind games. No guessing between the lines and interpreting. Just simple - will be around, will make weird noises, will play. Our household is heard (more than needed!) because of him. Lately, my daughter is getting herself heard....by the whole street. So maybe it is time for tables to switch.

So what do I know now about adoption parenting that might be useful to others?

- It is different. And that is okay. "Same but different" is a phrase that is used by parents to keep themselves comforted. There are shifts in daily parenting that might be needed for your adoptive child. Easy shifts to make if you are aware that the parenting experience can be different. Like how they deal with rejection, how they might internalize guilt and shame, how important the first few months of care is and how we might never know the effects. How the fact of adoption WILL be something they will think about more and more as time goes on and might never be totally reconciled to in all its entirety. And how we can empower, enable and help them manage these feelings through life and please god, be there for them as long as we can. And that different is OKAY. It does not reflect on you as a parent to admit it. In fact, embrace the difference and it is possible to move on. Denial of the fact of adoption ("we don't even remember she was adopted") rarely gets one further in the path of being totally comfortable. Or to get the wisdom that we might never be totally comfortable. And that is okay too!

- Adoption parenting is about putting the child up front and center. And doing what it takes to make sure the child is okay. The fact that your child is adopted is just that - a fact. So let us incorporate our feelings into the picture, always keeping that child in the center. Sometimes the fact of adoption is in the spotlight. And often, it may not be. My lesson in this is to get out of my comfort zone and do whatever it takes to ensure that my kids are okay. I will get there in due course. And have so far.

- "Equality" between children (any flavour...biological, adoptive, foster, step.....are there other flavors?) is not possible. It is futile to try. And it is unfair to the child. Since all children are different, they have different needs of you. So doing the same thing to one as the other is almost neglect! Almost. What I have figured out is that I can only be fair. Or can try to be fair. My kids would swear that I am totally unfair to them at all times. To my credit, they are both 'equally' vehement in these protests! :-D

G'night!