The 'time out' revelation

I have been introduced to the concept of 'attachment' at long last. Something every parent needs to know about, in these days of 'quality time'. And found validation for my beliefs on the 'time out' tool in parenting.


My belief - time outs don't really work to solve the problem. A typical year in my life as a parent with time outs:

Week 1, month 1: Blow fuse on one problem, thrilled to give a time out. Child not happy, does the first time out without really getting what this is.

Week 2, month 1: The time out concept has set in with child....now he/she knows that they have to be there. They protest a bit but do it.

Weeks 3 and 4: The children now have lots of time outs. We don't spank/smack/hit. And are turning up noses at people who do. Judgement galore on all parts. The children rack up the hours in time out corner/naughty chair....whatever cute term we decide to call it.

Month 4 - The initial 'issue' with child is gone now. Time outs continue for new problem.

Month 7 - Now time outs are routine. The child sees your face and walks to time out corner. That mat needs replacement....two butts on it for hours and several hands pulling coir out....they have to do something!

Year 500 - Time outs happening. The household is quieter comparitively (this one my neighbour will dispute!) but the problems are not gone. The ones that are gone are those that would have gone with the general passage of time and the end of that phase in any case.

Time outs work to reduce shouting, give the kids and us a break at that point when things are all heated up. What they don't do is solve the issue. What they also do is reduce the sense of attachment much faster than anything we can do to build it.

My experiences with time outs were that they are not that effective in the long run. They seemed to work in the short run. My personal opinion in this is that it is not worth the pain and power struggling that they end up being in the long run. We are actually only able to do it because as a parent and an adult, we are in positions of power.

I am able to do much more with the kids when I am playful, use humour and listening and flex to somethings. It is easier to accomplish the results of months of time out 'conditioning' over a few hours of games with the family. It is also much more fun and I can finally enjoy the children for who they are, not what I want/think they should be.

For those of you who believe in time outs, this is not criticism. Just my personal opinion on something I feel very strongly about. Mainstream parenting techniques are parent friendly for most part and not as child friendly as they should be. And if time outs were really effective, they would not have to be used so much. They are also not easy on either party in the picture.

For both my children (biological and adopted), this technique has hit at a part of their self-esteem. This has been part of making them conform....when to us parents, that level of conformance is like beating the originality out of a child.

I had a phone slammed on me a couple of times by a person who I am quite happy looking through now. The rejection of that gesture from a person who is not even really close was enough to turn a generally accommodating me into the wrath of hell. I have come to believe that time-outs are just rejection spread over time. There are other parents who have seen the same effect on their kids.

The results are enough to say 'not on my watch'.