Book review: Dear Birthmother, Thank you for our baby

When the Universe knocks on your door, it sometimes throws a book at you!  I found this book in the used books on sale section of a magazine store....they try not to deal in books!  The book is an Open Adoption classic called 'Dear Birthmother, Thank you for our baby'.  The edition I have was published in 1991 and the book's authors are Kathleen Silber and Phyllis Speedlin.

The book advocates open adoption and makes its points very lucidly.  The myths it addresses are:
- the birth parents don't care, otherwise why would they have given their baby away;
- secrecy in the adoption process protects all parties;
- birth parents forget about the child they adopted out; and
- if the adoptee was well taken care of and really loved his adoptive family, he would not have to search for his birth parents.

The book has letters written by birth and adoptive parents, mothers and fathers and even one from a birth mother's sister and is based on more than 20 years of practitioner experience.  This book was ahead of its time then and unfortunately, it is at least a century ahead of where India is on adoption laws.

The authors' description of social work thought and its development - they could be talking of the current Indian adoption and social work thought.  They are talking of the 1920s - 1960s in the US.  The points made hit home really hard.  I strongly advocate open adoption.  I am glad to have found this book with its depth of the thinking.  It revealed my innate assumptions, unfair ones for most part and fostered by current adoption thinking in India.  The term 'open' adoption still sends chills down almost every one's spine...there are those who will weather it and those who will choose to stay away, but the concept is far, far from being anywhere in public debate.

For example, we tell adoptees 'they loved you so much that they ensured that you had a good home and a wonderful family'.  In the same breath, as adults we also say to other adults, "I don't know how they (mostly 'she') did it.  If I had a dozen, I could not 'give away' one!"  So, the birth mom is adulated for unselfishness and funnily, immediately after the 'act' of adoption, her choice is couched in language that is judgemental.  Damn right, we don't know.  We really don't.  And anyone who calls bringing a wonderful child home 'unselfish', what do you say to the birth parents who truly are that?

As an adoptive parent, I have the child in my heart and home, to see and love.  As a birth parent, they love and wonder and worry.  And never know.  Is this a crime they are being punished for?  Keeping a parent in ignorance of their child's well being is a punishment that far exceeds any crime I can imagine (except if they harm that family, I guess).  Even criminals in prison are allowed family visits and these birth parents are just unfortunate at that point and unable to offer complete care to the child.

I have always wondered if I tend to romanticize what a birth parent thought.  Maybe a child of 16 or 18 does not really get it.  Okay, they don't get it.  They do still get the shame and guilt and have to bury it as a secret that can at any and all times come up and destroy whatever they have built since.  And when they become parents, I am sure that tug on the child they never saw would be strong to unbearable on his/her birthday.

The other concept that really struck me is that The Search is one for roots, not different parents.  And if as a parent we are secure that we did our best, then search or not, the children can drift away or stay close....this is a situation of our making.  I cannot be supplanted in my child's life.  Even if I was mean and nasty and did horrible things....this little child will still use me as a barometer to weather any situation he/she faces.

In our personal scenario, my son finding his birth parents is almost impossible.  I wish we had that option for my son to choose.  It would help his identity building and give him a lot of strength and self esteem.  Two of the main questions adoptees are looking to answer by searching for biological roots are "who do I look like?" and "why was I given away?"

And the only person with these answers are his birth parents.  I can suggest, support, comfort but can't answer these two questions, however much I would like to.  How awesome it would be for him to be able to authoritatively answer these questions for himself and then put these issues to rest for most part.

Here's hoping that the open adoption thought does percolate down to the middle-ages and hence to India!

G'night!