Adoption

I have blogged a bit on adoption but have stayed off the subject more often than not. Something recently changed my mind - a workshop where it seemed really important to the speakers and the audience to hear that adoption parenting was the same as 'regular' parenting. "With an additional facet from adoption."


I have so many problems with this view - for one, it is denial. With a different way of building a family come different parenting requirements and challenges. Those relating to adoption fall in this category. Different is not bad, people! It is just that - different and totally okay in its difference.

Two, adoption impacts the identity of the child in question. It is integral to the adopted child's being, as much as his/her gender is or their nationality. For some, as important as religion....for our family, not as important as religion....who knows how our son might see it. He might actually become a 'born again' Hindu, god forbid! Yes, my biases show.

So to deny the difference is denying the fact of adoption. And why is the difference so terrifying? And why is it super important to several adoptive parents to qualify the parenting experience 'just the same as if the child were biological but different'? It is as if the adoptive parent wants to fit in and retain some uniqueness, in the same breath. If adoption was truly only a means of building a family, the parents should neither want to fit in or stand out because they adopted!

My position on the 'same but different' angle is now set. Adoption parenting is different. The areas of parenting are universal - the routines of feeding, educating, clothing, disciplining, etc. and the emotional part of parenting that entails bringing up a secure, well adjusted individual. However, how we carry out adoption parenting is different.

Feeding can differ from feeding a young child used to an institution who may not cry when hungry to a toddler who eats like they will not have another meal but this one to an older child who uses food and not eating to gain attention....it is now boring to eat and has become routine. Educating may mean a more flexible school atmosphere for one child and the need for severe routine and timetables to another. Disciplining is the part where I believe adoption parenting differs most from 'regular' parenting. Conventional parenting techniques suggest 'time outs' versus adoption parenting that recommends a 'time in'. A time out could be another rejection to the adopted child. I am not even talking about telling the child about the fact of adoption.

The messages an adopted child receives are really important - the seven core issues of loss, rejection, guilt/shame, grief, identity, intimacy/relationships and control feed into every aspect of their lives. Whether their parents like it or not. Whether we can identify it or not at the time it happens. We have to accept it and assist the child, not stay in our own ignorant zones of denial.

So in the interest of the child, it is time for parents to move out of their comfort zones. It is more important for the child's interests to be addressed than for parents to feel comfortable. With a level of imbalance/out of comfort zone feeling comes learning. Hopefully, this learning can translate into day-to-day parenting solutions for the parent and the parented. Hopefully, any vicious cycles in operation can be broken by empathetic parenting, with love. Unconditional love is not possible without someone getting out of their comfort zones!

So let's embrace the difference in parenting that exist in adoptive families. And see what we can do to enhance the experience for the child and the parent.

G'night!