Quoting Jackie Kennedy....

who said, "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever you do matters very much."

I have been reading 'Living History' by Hillary Clinton.  I always liked her, even when I did not agree with some of her decisions.  She is a really bright woman, who is solid in how she approaches issues.  Unfortunately, she is not as likeable as required to be in top offices.  I mean, Barack is talking Hillary language from when the Clintons attempted to clean up health care and this is a good 15 years after.

She was among the panel that worked on the Nixon impeachment.  Some solid credentials as an individual, in addition to the exposure and having the world at her feet as First Lady for two presidential terms.  She was good friends with Jackie O and has quoted her about raising kids in the public eye, parenting in general.

My dilemma is of course way smaller, not in any way on the same page, not even in the same book!  My struggle with work life balance is more selfish.  I can balance work and kids, just end up losing myself to the end of the neverending list.  Around January this year, I looked back and ahead at my life and found some stuff wanting.  Time, lack of stress and a PhD.

I had a cobbled together career....stumbling into it and along with it and really loving it most days.  But somehow, it was not working for me in the big picture.  So far, I had not come across a job that was difficult to leave.  I guess when passion combines with a career, it is quite the combination.  So here I was at the cross roads, seeing myself crumbling with the strain of doing all that I had to do in part-time hours, doing the physical stuff that comes with two kids, giving some time to maintaining a relationship with an equally busy husband and here comes the kicker, staying calm, sane (and losing weight, maintaining health and a healthy diet) through it all.  The first three were kind of okay most days, the last one was a nightmare ALL days!  Especially since reaching for chocolate came with quite nasty side effects.

So began this whole soul searching.  On top of the list:

- kids need time.  Not 'quality' but quality of time, quantity of time and all in between.  They don't care that they have you for a perfect moment, they want that perfect moment and every other moment they can get.  Look at it from their standpoint, I enjoy spending time with this person, even when I act like I am pushing her away.  I want.  And this is the person who shall deliver.

- we have another four years before their already hectic social life gets more independent and less forgiving of our participation.  Two years after that, they are at teenage (when you have kids as close as I do, teenage comes to the home with the first one and leaves with the last one....regardless of when it begins 'technically').  Another four years after that, they are thinking college and a year after they are gone.  Now this may seem like a lot of time to me right now, but from what I see of parents with college going kids, this part just flies by.  So my chance to be there, enjoy them, influence them and choke some values down is NOW.

- children do as they see you do.  And for that, they need to see you do.  Not just point no. 1 repeated, but point no. 1 on steroids....they need time with you doing stuff with them.  You want them to be socially minded, they need to have an open mind.  How do you open a mind?  Jackie O quote coming up...."there are many little ways to enlarge your child's world. Love of books is the best of all."

So they need to see you reading books, being active, taking care of yourself, seeing your self esteem, seeing you treat people with respect, taking stances to contribute, taking socially useful steps....anything that I need to instill, I have to role model for real absorption.  This means taking the time to calm myself down and doing it all just the way I hope is ideal for them.  This also means NOT doing things like rushing them along (opposite of 'smell the roses'), shouting at them, interrupting them or others in that infernal hurry to get things done, and I am sure there are a thousand others that I will not scare myself with today.  So now, I not only need limitless time, I need it along with grace, dignity, patience and self esteem.  Now we are talking about me.  In order to have a healthy them.

- This is the time that memories are made.  They can remember and will...the good, bad and ugly.  Hopefully mostly good, some inevitable small bads and just enough of the tiny bit of ugly somewhere else to make you appreciate your many goods and put your little bads in perspective.

Memories don't come cheap.  They come with participation, enthusiasm, genuine love and energy.  All of these qualities get quite worn out after a day, week, month, year's worth of work.  At some point, enjoyment becomes something you store for the evening when your feet are up, instead of recording the fun as it happens.  The 'sitting on the kitchen counter after school with a snack when I work on something on the stove' time....quite priceless in seeing their world from as close to inside as you get.  And keeping lines of communication open for when you will require it.  This means being there when they come home from school.  No amount of outsourcing works here...unless it is okay with you to have a substitute parent.  A maid/creche/television that will be there when you are not.

- well, one thing I do want them to see is that they can be whatever they want to be.  And how will they see it if their mom is home waiting on them hand and foot?  I want a daughter who can grow up knowing she can and will have a real career in whatever floats her boat AND have a loving family at the same time.  I want my son to be as participative as his father, as comfortable in the kitchen AND respectful of a woman in the workplace.  Will he be able to get there if he sees his mom at home all the time?

- now, the moi part.  Again at the bottom of the list but this is the clincher.  Why do something that stresses me out, is losing some of its glitter because of this stress, deal with people wasting my time when I have all this to come home to AND neglect myself in the bargain?  What did I really want when I entered this sector?  To contribute and a PhD.  Two half-hearted and aborted attempts later, this is do or die time.  In some ways, I thank God that the attempts remained just that....I know now how little I knew then.  And while I am sure I will be saying that three years down the road, I think I know enough now to get a really good doctoral degree under my belt.

Why a PhD?  My turn....I want.  I am sure there will be psychological reasons that lie layered under this want but to me, it is very simple, black and mostly white.  It is what I want....not need.  I am fortunate to have most of my needs met comfortably and a few being worked on for the near future.

I am definitely exchanging one part-time job for a one and a half time monster of a life changer.  In addition to family, parental commitments that will come up more and more in the future, still with weight loss and health and exercise in the need picture.  This is to me the right thing to do at this time in life.  This blog shall hopefully be a happy witness!

G'night!